Someone a little nicer

Making a Big Issue of it May 22, 2009

So in my first post I told you I couldn’t walk past a Big Issue seller. Turns out I lied – and kindness doesn’t flow freely through my veins but is a habit I need to learn.  How depressing is that?

I was in the Euston station buffet and a cheerful Big Issue seller came by and invited me to buy one. Quicker than the railway companies close a line in bad weather I looked up and said ‘not today thanks’.   What?     As if he was offering me a pint of milk rather than the chance to show a  bit of human kindness.

Euston by http://www.flickr.com/photos/donnasmillie/

(Though not quite as cringeworthy as the girl on the next table who told him ‘I haven’t got time’ – then continued to sip her latte and nibble on a monster muffin. Even the seller – who must have heard some pretty lame excuses in his time – looked a little baffled by that one.)

See what I mean about habit? My habit is not to notice all those people who want something from you in public places, especially any place involving public transport which seems to work like a magnet for attracting the weird and the wandering.

No excuses though. Especially from someone who’s just declared she’s setting out to be a nicer person. The only way I could make amends was to set my radar to find another Big Issue seller I could do right by.

Bloody Tesco

Now here we have one of the dilemmas of doing anything that might vaguely qualify for the ‘social responsibility’ tag: the downside of the upside if you like. I knew exactly where to find our local Big issue seller because he knows exactly where to find the biggest crowds. Bloody Tesco!  To perform my small act of conscious kindness meant driving (not kind) to Tesco (extremely unkind – so here’s a link to compensate) . Oh, and I might as well do my weekly shop while I was at it.

The poor guy looked miserable, even in the sunshine. And even more miserable when I emerged £79 lighter and an hour later, and he still had the same number of mags unsold in his hand.  I asked him how long it takes to shift a load. “Six or seven hours,” he said, “For 30 or 40.”  For those of you who deal in details, the Big Issue sells for £1.50 of which the seller gets to keep 80p, so averaging it out he’s selling five every 60 minutes which equals a wage of £4 an hour. Less than I’d just spent on a bottle of wine.

“And does anyone ever buy more than one?”    “A few. Maybe.”

Which had to be my cue to get my purse out again and buy the rest so he could go home. Only like yesterday I ducked it.

Awkward and weird

Admittedly I was still reeling at how the few things in my trolley could have added up to £79. But, interestingly, the main thing holding me back was the knowledge that to buy his entire stock from him  would have been one of those big, awkward, weird gestures that embarrass me/us. Putting my head above the parapet.  Making an exhibition of myself. You get the idea.

And yet getting out of my comfort zone and experimenting with living a bigger, more generous life, is exactly  what this whole blog is about. And until I find the courage to be embarrassed, if necessary, I’m not going to find out whether making a difference also makes a difference to me.

So, two out of ten, Jane, for a pretty feeble start. Plus  a note to self that  not only am I  going to have to try harder, it appears I’ve still got some unfinished business with the next Big Issue seller I see.

Love to know if you’ve ever held back from doing something nice for fear of  stepping out of line or looking foolish. Just click on ‘comment’.